Honestly, my one friend who stays home is very good at what he does and his wife is equally good at what she does. However, I can see why a women might not respect her man as much if he cannot bring home the bacon. I can also empathize with her frustration if both are working full time but what happens at home is not split up evenly, which is too often the case. Is it because we men are biologically programmed to react this way, or are we just being lazy?
Monday, February 2, 2009
To Stay Home or Not to Stay Home
I have some married male friends for one reason or another have decided to stay home with their children while their wives go out to work. Although I admire them for making this choice, there's a part of me (maybe the male ego part) that is like, wouldn't you rather be the one to work? Doesn't your wife resent you for having to do this? According to a US News article some women do. The idea of men being breadwinners made more sense when physical prowess was a necessary skill for doing so, but now that it isn't does it still make sense? Women staying home with children also made sense since biologically since children come from their bodies and continue to nurse from them after birth, but now we do have the bottle that can be filled with formula (no matter how expensive that stuff is). So is there any justification for my knee jerk response.
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This is a very interesting topic. I read the comments at the end of the article which you posted. It is interesting to see how some men respond to these types of articles.
ReplyDeleteI hope that there are choices. While some people may feel resentment, some might feel just right about it. I know I resent that I don't get to PTA meetings, or parent teacher conference meetings, soccers games, etc. that my wife gets to. I don't resent her, I am happy she can and wants to go. I resent that I can't. My wife choses to stay home because we don't want someone else raising our kids, having all the "fun." The article was interesting. While I think there are some men and women that resent the different situations, especially when the other either seems not to be picking up the slack. I personally would be happy to have my wife go back to work as an attourney, earn much more than I could even when I graduate, and I can stay at home with the kids. Believe me it is my wife's choice. The question of respect comes down to the couple's decision and hopefully not what the neighbors are saying about "your man."
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand maybe there is something to Frued's "love and work" in the meaning and hapiness in life or someone else I respect alot more who said something like "by the sweat of thy brow" which I believe applies to men and women.
I think that the cultural scripts informing the division of labor may be the main reason that wives resent stay at home dads. If these cultural scripts were to change so that the "women's work" of household chores was now being done by the men, resentment might lessen. It sounds like the working women in this article are still doing most of the housework. Tradition, while it has changed, is still deeply rooted in today's marriages.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, this issue seems to be not only rooted in deep tradition, but also interpersonal relationships. In some families women being the breadwinners may have no problem. But, in other families it is. I think it also goes back to "the grass is always greener on the other side". For women (and men) the non traditional role may seem more appealing. That is until you get there and perhaps that is not where you want to be. I would be interested to hear what men who stay at home feel too, perhaps they have a level of resentment that wasn't captured in the aricle.
ReplyDeleteAs a woman, I would not be the least bit upset if my husband (future!) wanted to stay home. I personally don't want to be a stay-at-home mom, even though I love children. I have always felt that it would be a waste of time for me to get my education and never use it. I agree with Patricia that the issue has alot of tradition intertwined, however, with the internet and cell phones and Skype and whatever else; why does the man or the woman have to be just be a stay at home mom or dad. Why can't either parent work from home and stop worrying about "whose 'job' is whose".
ReplyDeleteI think that both could work, but what if one wants to stay home and "just" be a stay at home mom or dad. I still think it comes down to preference, gender roles, but even practicality, values, and comunication adn ngeotiation between family members. If both feel it is fair and can open the discussion whenever they may feel differently later, that seems important to me.
ReplyDeleteI have a girlfriend who always wanted to be a career woman. Her husband also worked but was considered more of a stay at home father. His work was inconsisent but they were able to live on her income. After 15 years of marriage and three children later, she had lost all respect for him and they divorced. He got the children and the house and she is paying child support. She regrets making the decision to be a career woman 15 years ago. There is something to be said for traditional gender roles. It is difficult to put a finger on it....
ReplyDeleteI agree. Initially a couple may believe that they "agree" to this division of labor but after awhile it appears to break down. From personal experience, when I was working on my Masters and I was home with our son, and my wife was working - neither or us were very happy with it. It is not that she does not enjoy work, she likes it. But she would rather be home with the kids more than me. And I figure whoever enjoys that more should be doing it. I wonder if it is more than just socialization...
ReplyDeleteGender division has always been clear cut for some societies, not so much for others. Families used to work together to make things go, at least with agrarian societies. I can't help but wonder if it isn't in part due to the change to an industrial/service economy. Now we work outside of home instead of from within, we spend less time together, and I don't think we truly understand what our spouse "does" all day as a result.
ReplyDeleteI picked peas as a job one summer. I remember watching some of the latino families who worked with me, the mom, dad, and two or three kids all working together (we were paid by the pound). How many of us actually work with our children on anything? If they have chores, do we do them with them, or is it something we simply point them towards and set them loose.
In the article criticizing the left and the right from yesterdays class it argued we are losing the capacity to build strong relationships. I think there is something to that.
My wife stays home and watches our children. She is glad she doesn't have to work. In fact we have made sacrifices in the way we live (one used car, no cable, cell phones, eating out, etc) to make that happen. Right now we are OK with that. Once the kids are in school if she wants to do something else during those hours she will. In the meantime I help with chores, with cooking its dinner only as I am not present for the other meals. With four kids my wife would have to make an awful lot to cover the cost of daycare and travel for our young children to really make it worth our while.
Excellent discussion, all! There are a couple of comments to which I'd like to respond. I am with James on this issue. Gendered divisions of labor seem antiquated to me in today's world. Lucas provides some historical background that is important. We weren't always the way we are now in terms of division of labor, and history suggests that there will be more changes in our future. [as a side note, I'd like to see our dept. offer a history of American families graduate class]
ReplyDeleteI worked part time when Andrea was young so that one of us would be with her some of each day. However, my shy only child needed social opportunities, which we gave her through both family day care and later, traditional day care.
My husband retired nearly 3 years ago, so I am the breadwinner now. He took over the cooking and household management [he grocery shops and runs most errands for us], but we still hire someone to clean the house. I can see the benefits to having one spouse at home, but I don't think it has to be the woman.
This was a fun post to read (especially all the comments) I am of the opinion that gender roles (as with most things gender) are a social creation. Other than birthing and breastfeeding, I see no reason for a he vs she division of labor. And I think/hope that as more women are in the workforce full time that men will be able to pitch in and contribute in what is still often viewed as "womens" work. I work in an office of prodominately women and I hear regularly how frustrated they are when they (and their husbands) both work full time and they (as the wife/woman) are still expected to manage all of the household responsibilies. Good communication and personal sacrifice hasve got to be the solution to getting everything done and avoiding resentment between the martners.
ReplyDeleteThis was a fun post to read (especially all the comments) I am of the opinion that gender roles (as with most things gender) are a social creation. Other than birthing and breastfeeding, I see no reason for a he vs she division of labor. And I think/hope that as more women are in the workforce full time that men will be able to pitch in and contribute in what is still often viewed as "womens" work. I work in an office of predominately women and I hear regularly how frustrated they are when they (and their husbands) both work full time and they (as the wife/woman) are still expected to manage all of the household responsibilities. Good communication and personal sacrifice has got to be the solution to getting everything done and avoiding resentment between the martners.
ReplyDelete