Madonna's Adoption Woes

Normally I do not care about Madonna, although she is a good diagnostic example of someone falling on Axis II between Histrionic and Narcissistic. It is interesting that she gets a lot of flack for wielding her power and money to push a second international adoption through. It is interesting that a lot of things are pointed out excpet that these children are not being adopted into two parent homes. Normally, this might cause me concern. This blog is about the importance of fathers. However, even with that in mind I recognize that there are exceptions to every rule.

Although I would love it if these kids could go to two parent homes, this is extremely unlikely. I even kind of wonder why these countries do not let more people adopt these children. Normally these children would spend the rest of their lives in abject poverty, and will die early deaths. I realize that they will be less likely to maintain their cultural identity, but the alternatives seem so much worse. So I say let her take all the kids she wants. (Angelina already has ten doesn't she?). Despite my extreme moral disregard for Madonna, I believe that adopting these kids is providing them with an extremely better life had they staid where they were at. Am I wrong to think this?

Good parents, Bad results

One of the hardest parts to being a parent today is that so much is expected of us.  As a therapist I frequently see how people's lives are deeply impacted (sometimes quite screwed up) by the parent's behaviors.  To add to this we have specialists frequently coming out telling us that we are doing things wrong.  There is almost as many trends in parenting as there are in dieting.  I think after awhile parents become so overwhelmed they head straight for the cookie aisle.  

Well be that as it may, this article I found in U.S. News and World Report does have some good pointers as to where good parents fail.  I guess with anything it is easier to do a poor job than it is to do a good one.  Doing a good job takes patience, control and an eye on the end results.  Here's a list of the eight things that even good parents do poorly.  I know I need to work on a few myself (see #1 and #3).  How do you measure up?  

1. Parents fail at setting limits.
2. They're overprotective. 
3. They nag.  Lecture.  Repeat.  Then yell.  (my personal favorite)
4. They praise too much - And badly.  
5. They punish too harshly.  
6. They tell their child how to feel.  
7. They put grades and SATs ahead of creativity.  
8. They forget to have fun.  (this is one is not a struggle, see below)

Read This, It's Controversial

Isn't that interesting that a magazine that calls itself Parenting seems to want to stir up controversy between parents as well as foster negative sentiment towards fathers in general? (as pointed out in this Glenn Sacks article) Ironically I get it. Since I started blogging there is this driving force within me to get people to read my blog, as validated by their postings. Yes I know a narcissistic endeavor, but fun just the same. What I have learned in this process is the way to get a response is to say something controversial. A quick look at the Salt Lake Tribune's frequent headlines goading Mormons will tell you that. You'd think there the reason behind every bad thing that happens in this state - including why my poptart burned this morning.

I diverge. The point is for this magazine to put together some pathetic research (SLOP - Self Selected Listener Opinion Poll) is understandable. But to present it as anything more legitimate than the Enquirer is reprehensible. Granted we here participating in this blog are educated and familiarized with research enough to spot a methodological hole a mile away, but your average reader... probably not.

Interestingly, the Glenn Sacks article goes on to explain that fathers surprisingly spend almost as much as time as mothers in parenting. It also points out that although women average 11 more hours of housework, men average 14 more hours at the office. I also liked the reminder that mom's tend to be the gatekeepers. I thinking if magazines are putting ideas out about how bad dads are maybe some of these moms will feel more justified in keeping dads out. As we know from class research can be our powerful tool, and people who conduct it should do so responsibly.

How much time for our kids?

A recent article - or at least just the headline, disses Australian dads for only spending a little over an hour a day with their kids. I didn't really notice the headline at first and was wondering if the article was stating this was good or bad, because it didn't sound so bad. For myself working and going to graduate school I'm probably just as busy as any dad (maybe more) and there might be some weeks where eight hours is my average. Fortunately it is usually more than that.

Just the same many men often face the dilemma of dealing with their responsibilities and attempting to balance that to spend time with the kids (let alone your spouse). Ultimately one always seem to rob from the other. Granted there are a number of men who chose to work long hours to avoid homelife. Sometimes the office is just easier to deal with then the family (just ask Hochschild). Maybe we need to get paid more so we can afford to stay home.

And what about divorced dads? I would think they would be happy to average that amount of hours. I can tell you my dad thought nothing would change in the divorce, and all I can say is it did. There was so much he missed in not being there in the day to day experience. Consequently I really try to help people understand the full ramifications of getting divorced on their life, rather than thinking life will continue to go on its merry way.